Testimonials

I wrote this as a response to Nidhi's post, but I think it applies to a lot of us so I want to share with all...

I want to share my experience of the last few weeks. I have made a diary style video of my 2 week fast because I originally wanted to share what fasting looks like from a nutritionist perspective, but instead what unfolded was so much more profound. I wasn't planning on sharing here, but I feel it may be helpful. 

I am 41, a holistic nutritionist, and I have had severe digestive issues for over 20 years. I no longer feel sick or have any "disease" my main symptom I am working on releasing is chronic diarrhea and bowel incontinence. I learned 20 years ago that fasting was a way to rest the digestive tract.... however my digestive tract never stopped even without food. I have held onto about 60 pounds of extra weight the last 10 years, and even fasting hardly makes it budge, I've been drinking alkaline water for almost 20 years as well. So when CC talks about his health and alkaline water it does sting for a second and then I have to stop the victim immediately.

What started out with me wanting to rest my digestive tract, so it had time to heal and reprogram with love, ended up being an unraveling of identities that I didn't even realize were running in the background. How chronic diarrhea doesn't stop without food in your system for 2 whole weeks was beyond me, until I realized what my body was responding too and showing me. Without the food in my system I was taken down the the rawest parts of myself and my programming. Fasting isn't just for the physical, it is for the mental, emotional and spiritual as well.

I wanted more than anything to heal the physical as I was sure I had done enough uncovering of old programs to allow that to happen. When the physical didn't get better at all I wrote to my mom (who is also on here) and told her I was on the edge of that cliff where my mind was telling me to "give up, it didn't work, I'll never heal, you've done these diets and cleanses a million times, just go eat some chocolate, eat some comfort food so at least you feel better." Thankfully, I couldn't eat junk food cause I had just started to slowly re-feed from the fast so no solid food yet. I could see the age old pattern so clearly and how using chocolate specifically was my coping mechanism from about 12 years old on.

The disappointment time and time again when I would try to heal physically, even after I thought I did enough emotionally. Since I couldn't binge I had to go inward. I was shocked at the amount of pain my gut was still holding. I allowed the fullness of the disappointment, self-doubt and grief to come up so it could be felt and released. I was surprised to find out I was scared. My "child self" that was programmed to only make the right choices around food or else I could hurt myself and the guilt and shame around even wanting to try junk food as a child was still constantly being stored in my gut every day when I ate.

I was overwhelmed and confused then and I was still playing out that overwhelm now.

I also became aware of the tension I constantly hold in my gut as without any food in me, my abdomen was raw and sore to the touch. I went to massage my belly one evening and found what felt like tight ropes all over my abdomen. I had incredible tension all over my abdomen. So I did what CC always says, lean in, and allow whatever needs to happen happen. I started to scream and remembered when I was 7years old and no one wanted to play with me or be my friend, so I got the idea that maybe it was because I didn't have a flat stomach, or my butt was too big. So I started at 7 years old to hold my abdomen tight all the time, even when eating, and clenched all my muscles tucking my tailbone in when I walked so I would appear thinner. By the time I was a teenager I had a "killer" six pack and was very toned and muscular and I identified with a fit body as something that made me feel safer and loved. I had no idea the damage I had done to my digestive tract and nervous system all that time teaching it to be tense, on guard and never relaxed. No wonder I developed digestive disease.

The illness has had many facets and complex layers and this is just the most recent one that has come to my attention. The need I had to feel loved, safe and nurtured.

I had a choice last week as I was able to start eating some solid food. I could go back to my old pattern of victim consciousness that the fast and healthy habits didn't work and repeat the 1.0 again or I can keep leaning in through the resistance as the 2.0 me emerges. Every time we get to that edge where our old programming starts to emerge we are becoming more and more aware of its origin and how to dissolve it. I decided to start allowing my gut to relax, which honestly has taken conscious effort as my body is used to holding it in tightly now. It has actually been painful as well. It feels like not only am I asking my body to let go, but now all the muscles have to stretch in a new way and my organs have to shift and there is a new soreness that is waking up as food moves through differently. I can feel all the nerves flared up a bit as food moves through my body. Again, I was faced with "this is too much, I can't do this, this is too painful, nothing works, I'll never heal...." but I decided it is all temporary and I have never been in this place before as the more aware person I am now. Maybe through this pain I am rebuilding my digestive tract, I don't know, I've never stayed with my new 2.0 self this long to see what happens.

I haven't had any comfort food cravings after I leaned in and felt though the emotions behind it. I'm eating some cooked veggies in soup and that still hurts to digest, so I am still in this at the moment constantly bringing awareness to the pain and releasing it. I have decided that my digestive tract is coming back online and I keep envisioning it working beautifully so I know any moment it will be so.

Even though things with my fast and health program didn't turn out the way I wanted or expected everything is still helping me, even if it is just to bring more to my awareness and that I am grateful for. I'm sure you are starting to see that as well. The old patterns that don't serve us and the origins that are ready to dissolve. I truly believe all of this is to bring us back to knowing and embodying our unconditional loving selves.

I have been singing love songs to my body through out this whole experience and that is something I have never done before. I didn't go down into a spiral of depression that my body is still doing things I don't like, and that is new. And the most profound of all, which I giggle at cause it is so simple, I allowed myself to relax my gut in all situations, even if it hangs over my pants a bit. My husband of 18 years had never seen my relaxed gut, because I truly believed I would be unlovable if I didn't have a flat stomach. I am catching myself in public all the time now holding my gut in, then taking a deep breath and allowing it to relax fully. It is uncomfortable still to see my belly over my belt, but also very freeing as I am reaffirming that I am love and lovable and safe no matter what. I do dream of being able to do my exercise classes again and fully stretch without my belly in the way or my thighs stopping my flexibility, but for now I do the exercise classes anyway because it just feels good to move my body and even though I had convinced myself I was fully comfortable with my body only now am I truly seeing where I completely missed the self love boat.

Know that you are doing amazing things for yourself. Everything we experience is only there to serve us to coming back home to ourselves and embracing that 2.0 person who is emerging. We don't know what we don't know. I had been putting loving intentions into my food for over a year and seeing myself digesting properly with every mantra and meal, then I would get frustrated when I didn't see any results. Now I see those intentions were working, just not in the physical manifestation yet. We have more awareness with each round. Not only consciously disagree with those programs, but also lean into them and release the emotion behind them as well. Reaffirm that you are safe and you are lovable and allow whatever needs to happen, happen. That is where I have had the most profound shifts, is in the stored emotional release form my cells and organs. I did loose 15 pounds during my fast.... 4 days into eating again (500 calories) I gained 8 pounds back. It doesn't make logical sense, especially with chronic diarrhea for me, so sometimes we have to let logic go, especially when it comes to healing and living our lives and turn to love. When allowing our fears we make more space for love, and then more room for more fears to come up, and then more love to be known and so on until there aren't any fears left and the love we have for ourselves is all there is. 💜